Monday, June 11, 2012

i'm such an idiot..

shit! shit! shit! please don't hate me. i'm so terrible at these things. no excuses for being late, but i honestly thought i would receive some type of contact from rafflecopter.com letting me know that my giveaway was over and it was time to pick a winner.
major FAIL on my part!!
not only that but when i did the giveaway i even asked a friend if a week was okay or if i should do it two weeks. guess it stuck in my head to do a two week giveaway and i forgot..but still i posted about it being the last day on my giveaway lol i'm such a fool!

anyways, the awesomesauce winner is jaratzed sanchez from my SMASH*aholics group on facebook! congrats jaratzed!! i've sent ya an email so get back to me as soon as ya can and ill send your goodies out!!

i promise to do it the right way next time i do a giveaway! lol

on another note..i was reading one of the books i borrowed from the library last night and came across this..

'...In fact, I have found it hardly necessary to be aware of what day it is.  One of the pleasures of a workday morning was to rise early, have a cup of tea, walk through the garden, and get to the train on time, where I could read the paper front to back. Now I do not have to get to work, I no longer have a structured time to read the daily paper, so I stack it into a pile, thinking i'll get to it later, until I realize I am creating a weekly daily.

I miss Fridays especially.  They once meant relief, relaxation, an end to the busy week, time for a rest and housekeeping.  Now every day is Friday. Or Monday. Whatever.

Time hangs heavily on the unemployed soul.  I eat an egg at 8:00AM, and by 9:30 I am starving.  I become obsessed with eggs, gazing on their refined shape in wonder.  Perfect packets of nutrients.  I eat eggs all day long.  When I had a job, I never had to think about eggs.  I become broody, producing nothing. And the more I eat, the hungrier I get.  It is easy enough to understand the concept of comforting oneself with food, but the comfort part goes right by me.

I might be busy all day, and then, when i'm in bed again, realize I have done nothing.  The last time I felt this way was when I had a newborn and was so exhausted from nursing through the night and keeping an eye on the sleeping infant all morning that I couldn't get into grown-up clothing until late in the afternoon. 

For heaven's sake, I hadn't even thought of it as grown-up clothing since I was a five year old dressing for kindergarten.  Unemployed, I can't think straight enough to figure out what to do, until I realize that the day has gone by and I have done nothing.
"How are you today?" my sister Nicole asks. 
She is worried, and she calls several times a day.
"How was your morning?" my sister wants to know.
"Incredibly busy. Unbelievable."
"What were you doing?"

In this way, being unemployed is a lot like being depressed.  I wish I could be expansive about the mental physics of it all; I simply know enough to tell you about time, energy, and motion.  Time drags, when it isn't speeding past.  This is relative to every one else.  Energy is unreliable and has a distinct bearing on motion.  Ah yes, something else hovers at the edge of the my consciousness. Mass. That would be me.

Why is it that for the last ten years, when I most needed its healing balm, I was unable to sleep?  And why now, when I have no reason to be rested, can I not wake up? For years I had tossed and turned, and been awake at 4:00AM, a miserable hour if ever there was one.  Yet I could be bright and happy all day at the office. 
Now, I am sleeping for ten or twelve hours at a stretch, and still, when I wake, I am tired and cranky.
This undoubtedly has to do with chaos theory.

You know how there are millions (okay, a handful) of things you swear you would do if only you had the time? Now that I have all the time in the world - except for the hours during which I'm looking for work - to read, write, travel, take walks, play minor key nocturnes, have lunch with friends, train a dog, get a dog, learn to cook, knit a sweater, iron the napkins, and even the sheets, I have absolutely no energy for any of it.  Just thinking about it exhausts me. I am no longer a body in motion.

Entropy. There's a concept I can tell you something about. "A closed system." my dictionary says, "evolves toward a start of maximum entropy." I feel like a closed system, because I have lost my part in a living, breathing entity that was a function of all the quirks and passions and personalities of everyone I had worked with, gathered together.  That brilliant organism, sparking with imagination and effort and love, dissolved around us. We were left scattered, little unbounded atoms.  I have absolutely zero experience in filling my days with activity of my own choosing.  Being unemployed means being unoccupied, literally. I feel hollow. "Entropy is doctrine of inevitable social decline and degeneration."
To which I can only add: me, too.
"Today is Saturday. Get out of bed."

It being Saturday means that I can feel a little bit normal. Saturday is a not a workday. I rise early. I open the curtains to let in some light.  The clouds have lifted; the sun is sparkling through the rich, late fall colors of the sassafras trees that fill the front yard.  I remember how I had once loved Saturdays, how weekends had given me a heady sense of freedom.  When my calendar had been crammed full of meetings, simply to have a blank day was elating.  Now, all that mattered was that everyone else's Saturdays were different from Mondays.
I make a breakfast of the leftovers from a post-employment lunch, and then I put on a hat and mittens.  Did I mention that we were all fired just as the holiday season was upon us? So much for Thanksgiving. I head into the streets. The early sunlight is slanting across the shop windows.  Everyone is hurrying past me. Suddenly I notice that the men on the sidewalk look strange; they are in overcoats and polished leather shoes, and carrying briefcases.  The women are dressed up. They have introspective, determined, grim faces.  Strange for a Saturday.
That's when it his me.
Today is not Saturday. It's Friday.'

i read this last night and let out a loud 'hmph" afterwards. thought i'd share because it reminds me of how i feel pretty much all the time now. except the new born baby and how everyone got fired before thanksgiving. lol i agree with being unemployed being similar to a depression. that's why i think it's very, very important to have a great support team on your side. otherwise you can't control the depression and you beat yourself up about it constantly. 

so umm happy monday. wait, it is monday right?! ;]

..till next time ;]


  1. Thanks! I am so surprised to find out that! I do not expected it.

  2. This was an awesome post. I loved it, and I could relate to so much of it. Seriously.

    1. the things she said made me wonder about me. i srsly feel better during the weekends when i know everyone is off. during the week all i want to do is sleeeeeeeep!!


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